Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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