i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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