Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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