Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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