I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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