I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
