Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
