dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
