does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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