I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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