mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
