Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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