My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
