You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
