just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
