OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
