my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I want a musical about memes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
