I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
