I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
