Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
