walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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