I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
