I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
