WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
