No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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