id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
