my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
