So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
