More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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