when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
