And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
