someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
