I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
