oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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