just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
