I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
