I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
