where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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