Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
