Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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