after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
