If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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