Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
