Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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