i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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