You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
