Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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