i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
