I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
