I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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